March 27, 2013 by mybattlebuddyfitness
Phew! I’ve made it to the half-way point! 6 weeks down, 6 to go (actually- technically, from today, it’s 5 weeks and 2 days—even better)! Holy shit…I’VE GOT SIX MORE WEEKS TO GO.
This thought has been on repeat in my mind ALL week long. Doubt has slowly crept in—I don’t know if I can keep this up for six more weeks. What if I’m not ready? What if I “peak” too early? In some ways I feel like I’m on the downhill portion of the journey, and in other ways, I feel like I’ve just started the climb to the top. I know these next six weeks are not likely to be any easier than the first six weeks. The only positive is that in a couple of weeks, I will be able to see the light at the end of tunnel. From where I’m at right now, it looks pretty friggin’ dark.
This week has been significant for a couple of key reasons. Reason numero uno: I am SO irritable, I am completely aware that I am irritable, and despite my best intentions, there is NOTHING I can do about it. I wake up every morning and tell myself that I am going to focus all my energy on not being irritable, but it’s like my brain is wired completely differently right now. I can’t control the way the synapses are firing! Things that I am sure normally wouldn’t get on my nerves, are making me nuts right now. But not the usual stuff. For example, I am normally very irritated by my husband’s lack of housekeeping skills. I call him “Pigpen” (like the little dude from Charlie Brown, who has a cloud of dust that follows him everywhere). I find that I am not so irritated by this character trait right now. I am much more irritated by certain things people say. It’s super unpredictable though. I can’t put my finger on it, or categorize it. I did a 4-mile race last weekend with my husband and a group of Battle Buddies, and at the end of the race, they had a “Racer’s Appreciation” tent filled with awesome goodies. Fruit of all kinds, protein cookies and bars, vitamin waters, etc. Normally, I run over to the tent with zeal. But instead, I grabbed a water bottle and then made a beeline outta there. One girl in our group asked incredulously, “You’re not gonna have a snack?!” THIS I found irritating. I don’t think that ordinarily would have bothered me…
Luckily, since I am almost mute right now, most of my irritated thoughts are kept to myself and not actually said out loud. But I still feel a little guilty for even thinking such snippy things. I am normally a very sympathetic person—but I have ZERO sympathy right now and even less tolerance for bullshit. It’s funny. I actually had a moment the other day where I thought to myself, “Maybe I am thinking clearer than ever. Maybe this is just how I operate when my judgment isn’t clouded by happy, fluffy things like sugar, carbs, and relaxation.” Even if this were true, I’m not sure I like this less-clouded version of myself. Truthfully, she’s not very fun and definitely not a ray of sunshine.
The other thing that has become blindingly clear this week is that I only feel awesome when I am working out. Which, I suppose for my current goal, is a good thing. For life as a whole, this is not a good thing. My strength seems to be increasing exponentially—I have significantly increased my weights in the recent weeks, which is a relief. I was worried that I would lose strength really early on. Even during my cardio, I feel faster, lighter, and generally just enjoy the movement. The sad thing is the post-workout “high” that usually lasts for a couple of hours, only lasts for about 2 minutes. Since I am not able to replenish myself with an appropriate amount of carbs and sugars, I crash pretty hard for a good chunk of time. As soon as I eat my post-workout meal, I feel better for about an hour, and then I’m down in the valley again. The feeling is super difficult to describe, and it’s not the same exact feeling every day. I have definitely noticed that this post-workout crash is more difficult depending on which body part I have lifted that day. Leg day is the WORST (lucky me, that’s today)!
I received my suit last weekend, and boy! It’s something to behold. I spent the first ten minutes just staring at it in utter amazement. I couldn’t believe that I had willingly signed myself up to wear it in front of a bunch of strangers (and even worse, friends and family). Yikes. Talk about a panic moment. I finally worked up the courage to put it on Monday afternoon. It fits (phew). The color is lovely and it sparkles something fierce. The craftsmanship is impeccable and I would highly recommend Kira Jones from Vandella Costumes. Super easy ordering process, and really fast! I am going to have to put the suit on several more times before I feel pretty while I wear it. Right now, I feel like I may as well be wearing a clown suit. I think this will take some time—and probably a good tan
I have been so uplifted by the support that I am receiving from friends. The encouragement carries me through the days that seem unending. Thank you all for following me on this crazy journey and for indulging me in this selfish quest for…(a trophy? pride? Wait—why am I doing this?)
I keep have a reoccurring thought. This thought is both comforting and frightening at the same time: the past six weeks have been incredibly difficult. The next six weeks are likely to be even more difficult. There isn’t anything that I or anyone else can do to make it “better” or “easier.” It is what it is. DIFFICULT. HARD. PHYSICALLY DEMANDING. EMOTIONALLY DRAINING. MENTALLY EXHAUSTING. There is nothing to do but put my head down and forge ahead. And that’s exactly what I plan to do. One day at a time.